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Op-ed: Wannabe a millionaire?

Munir Attaullah

Basic economic theory requires that an effortlessly renewable, and naturally available attractive resource will produce a flourishing concomitant service industry to exploit the opportunities

To beguile the time, look like the time;
bear welcome in your eye, your hand,
your tongue; look like the innocent
flower but be the serpent under it.
(Lady Macbeth)

Some genius once said there is a sucker born every minute. Obviously the genius was not Pakistani, for given our birth rates that would be a serious under-estimate. But whatever be the true global rate of addition (Fibonacci series?), what is beyond dispute is the size of the existing membership of this particular club: It is huge.

Membership has its ironies. For a start, every one of us is a member in some way or the other, though obviously the degree of enthusiasm with which membership obligations are embraced, vary enormously. The next point to note is our blanket refusal to ever admit that one could indeed be a member, even though we are quick to recognise the telltale signs of membership in others. Is there a foolproof method for checking if one is a member? Yes if you play Bridge, Poker, Golf or some other game where you are not averse to having a little wager on the outcome: next time you are involved in your favourite activity take a good look at your opponents. If you fail to identify a sucker go look in the mirror.

Basic economic theory requires that an effortlessly renewable, and naturally available attractive resource will produce a flourishing concomitant service industry to exploit the opportunities. And so we have leaders of religious cults and mujahideen lashkars, soothsayers and faithhealers, spoon-benders and psychics, exorcists and divine intermediaries, purveyors of miracle cures in this life and salvation in the next — you name it and you have got it — ready and eager to do business with the club. And, for good measure, in recent times assorted media moguls and pundits have also jumped on to this most lucrative of gravy-trains. The modus operandi of this predatory class is Lady Macbeth’s timeless advice; and its credo (how I loathe that repulsively pompous phrase, ‘mission statement’): ‘give a sucker what he wants but never give him an even break.’

Where does all this leave us poor sane lot? Not very well placed, I fear. And let no one tell me that we can hope for eventual salvation through education: an educated western world has its own very healthy percentage of gullible innocents. Of course a little more sophistication is now required to take them to the cleaners — it is difficult now to sell Brooklyn Bridge — but the phenomenal success of the Maharishis, Jerry Falwells, Uri Gellers and the Sylvia Brownes of this world — not to mention Fox News and Larry King — convince me that these two classes, and their symbiotic relationship, are a permanent reality. Now one option is the standard ‘if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em’ policy. But if you find that morally repugnant, I suggest an alternative: have a little intellectual fun exposing such frauds. You won’t change anything. But, like art for art’s sake, the chance to see them squirm in public should be satisfying enough.

No one does this better than the American James Randi, once a master professional magician. Knowing the tricks of the trade, it is difficult to get past him, as Uri Geller discovered to his embarrassment some 30 years ago on prime-time TV. Larry King of CNN has, with an unerring eye on those elusive ratings, built a solid career by pandering to middle-America. Nothing goes down so well as a gushing interview with a renowned psychic such as Sylvia Browne, who takes live calls on the show from people wanting to get in touch with their dead loved ones. In the process, Sylvia astounds everyone by revealing secrets about the dear departed which she could not possibly have known. On one occasion, to add verisimilitude to the proceedings, the sceptical Randi was invited along with Sylvia. Suffice it to say she did not enjoy the experiment and it has not been repeated.

For thirty years now, Randi has a public challenge outstanding which no one has yet accepted (On the aforementioned Larry King show three years ago Sylvia feigned acceptance — it would be too damaging not to — but has wriggled and writhed since then by making one excuse after another for not naming the day). Randi’s challenge is simple: Let anyone who claims any type of extraordinary power demonstrate it publicly under controlled laboratory-like conditions. If sucessful, he will receive a handsome reward (the original $100,000 placed in a trust fund for this purpose 30 years ago, has now grown to more than $1million). But if unsuccessful he must, as an agreed legal obligation, publicly admit to being a fraud.

Many years ago I seriously considered setting myself up in LA as a Guru. If a moronic amateur like the Maharishi could make it work why not me? It was to be a slick, professional, and thoroughly modern operation: founder shares in myself were pre-sold to a core group of acolytes; SEC approval obtained; a listing on the NYSE arranged; and a leading Investment Bank found to float an IPO. A magnificent mansion was leased and a leading Madison Avenue agency hired as publicists. The project only floundered because — silly me — not one of the candidates I selected for the key role of a ‘Ma Sheila Anand’ equivalent, was acceptable (for obvious reasons) to the wife. Sylvia Browne could have told me: I was ever only destined to be a humble columnist in some obscure newspaper.

Munir Attaullah is a businessman

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